But first - a cheap plug:
This might shock you, but I'm not the easiest person in the world to work for! Lets put it this way: trying to explain to me numbers at 2:30 am after I've been drinking is....challenging, to say the least....
So I try to do little favors for my good ones where I can. Rebecca - a newbie, but a star in the making - is in a terrific band called Kiss Kiss (pictured) that is performing this Thursday night at The Annex, a nice spot downtown. Its $12 to get in but there's Vodka Open Bar 9-10, $5 drink specials and a great lineup of bands playing.
Details are here on their myspace page. Come support a great band, and meet me for a drink!
March 22, 2009
This might sound harsh, but when certain people complain the bad economy is kicking their ass - the lazy ones, I'm sure you have a friend or 3 that fit the description - do you want to reply "well, if you worked harder or more creatively, you might not be so goddamn broke all the time?"
This rant is not directed at a person, but rather a company - the shitty one whose logo you see above this text. I use T-Mobile for my cell service, and had to go by today (Sunday) for a new battery. I live in Hell's Kitchen, so my nearest store is on 43rd & 9th - ie a HUGE traffic area on a Sunday.
I got there at 5:15. Tons of foot traffic in either direction.
Would you believe they were closed?!?
Think about the insane rent the store must pay to operate in Manhattan. Its a mid-size store, I'm guessing T-Mobile forks over $4K/month in rent. There's other overhead too, obviously: manager & employee salaries, electric bill, insurance, the store supplies obviously.
And the taxes - federal, state and NYC - as a small business owner, don't get me started on taxes!
My point: at FIVE FUCKING FIFTEEN on a Sunday afternoon, you can't pay 2 people to keep the store open? I'm guessing their employees make between $9-12/hour, so there's that plus lights, plus a manager that's already on salary.
For THAT cost - especially in relation to your monthly overhead - you can't be open on a Sunday afternoon?
I looked at their "hours" sign. They close at 7 on Friday. My God.
There is NO TIME that Hell's Kitchen is busier during the week than between 7-8 on a Friday!!!!
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Remember this when you see an article about T-Mobile being bought out by Verizon.
March 21, 2009
When I meet new people lately, and I give them my card (with my smiley face on it), I often say "if you want to get to know me, read my blog." That is absolutely true.
This analogy may suck, but for a singer, they often say in interviews that if you listen to their music, you'll get a sense of who they are. Well - I can't sing for shit, but I can write. My blog exposes my soul (feel free to vomit now).
Here's my "night in the life" recap of Thursday:
* First, I met someone named Sue Perez for the first time that I had been corresponding with. She was pretty, but really, the meeting was business-oriented. Fine. Many emails & calls were exchanged, we then picked a place to meet.
So I saw her outside Zanzibar - a cute lounge near where I live - smiled big - and went to give her a hug.
What I got back was that horrific "1/2 assed hug" where you hug someone on your hip....you know what I mean?.....combined with a "you're nuts" expression.
Really - that's SUCH a huge turnoff. Not in a sexual way but just in general. I really don't want to sound cocky, but I'm 6'1, 230, with a good smile and very huggable. Why would someone NOT want to hug me?
I struggled with that notion for a while, but ultimately, the meeting was redeemed!
Sue turned out to be a sweetheart, she looks a bit like Selma Hayek (I'm not so much into Latin girls but I have a few friends that would adore her). We're probably going to be workout buddies. But I guess the moral of the story is: if you see me coming your way, and I'm smiling, arms oustretched hug me!!! I don't care whether you're a male or female, a smile & a hug is an appropriate greeting. I'm Italian, that's how I was raised!
OK - this takes us to 9:30, when my "sick" friend Russell couldn't make it for our planned night of debauchery.
Now....
* Huge props to my assistant & doorgirl Kirstie for coming out with me as an awesome last-minute replacement. 9:45p on a Thursday, I wrote this IM: "Kirstie, we're going to hit an upscale strip club, a gay/straight/bi/whatever party, and then an upscale regular party....have faith in the fact that I will show you a night you will always remember!"
Mind you, Kirstie had a 9am plane to catch the next day. But she trusted me, and in turn, I (hope) I held up my end of the bargain.
It sounds silly but its absolutely true: going out with a pretty female makes women think you're "safe." I get that - having owned a business for 8 years where most of the employees are ladies, it DOES make sense. I know what makes women tick....however, I have the subtlety of a chainsaw at war with a marshmellow.
Hence, I'm very single - those reading this that actually are my friends are probably laughing their asses off right now, or just nodding.
Anyway, Thursday night Kirstie saved my ass and we had fun. She is younger than me and we total have the big bro/little sis thing which is awesome. I am an only child and love to have someone like Kirstie to look out for.
That said - here is the "Johnny, you are such a schmuck" moment:
Part of the reason I took Kirstie to Chateau Cabaret was that I am crazy about a masseuse there named Sandra. Chateau Cabaret - by the way - ONLY employs the most beautiful women in the world. Just an insane quality of women there.
Being both an attorney AND a promoter, I've learned to size people up well...or so I like to think! Anyway, Sandra was literally off the charts on looks, ingelligence & social skills. I surmised this all from a 15 minute massage. Moreover, when we met, she was sober.
(Random aside: this is VERY important! Don't get me started on women who come across awesome when you meet them drinking, and then you talk a few days later and they are boring as shit....this is truly an epidemic! I mean, if you meet me out on a night I'm drinking, I might be a more "on" version of Johnny Premier but I'm really the same person you get during the day. The same can be said for most of my guy friends.
So.....why do women completely change their personality when they're drunk vs sober? Please help me understand!!!)
Back to Sandra. She seemed equally interested a week ago when I asked her out and accepted. Granted, it was "strip club interaction" - which is code for "say what the guy wants to hear, get his $$$ and bolt." But I am an advertiser for Chateau Cabaret, so I thought that didn't apply. I know, I know...stupid.
When we met, I didn't have my cell on me so I gave her my card, she said she'd call or email me. One week later, no contact from her.
So, when Kirstie & I walked in, these were my instructions: "when she sees me, look at her eyes and see if its a 'oh shit I blew him off' look or a 'wow I'm psyched to see him' look."
When Sandy first saw me - and gave me one of those non-BS REAL hugs - I thought "psyched to see me." Kirstie agreed - and she would tell me otherwise. So, I paid for a massage and we went in the back room.
Now it gets dicey. Sandra and I made plans to hang out the first time we met. We reiterated those plans, and she was actually willing to come out and play with Kirstie and I *that night* ie 3/19. However.....I was then tipped off to the fact that she has a live-in boyfriend.
Now - let me be clear. I am not the least bit angry that she did not tell me that at first. She works in a f%*#ing strip club, so her personal life is just that....personal. I was more pissed at myself.
I mean - really - a strip club masseuse? Really? Jesus! I am such a moron!
Anyway, after this humiliating rejection, Kirstie & I went to the gay/straight/bi/whatever party and I saw Candice Cayne, who used to perform for me in 2002 before she hit the big time with "Dirty Sexy Money." Which unfortunately was cancelled.
But anyway, we had fun, Kirstie checked out the shirtless guys in their underwear, I drank, we did a "once around" and called it a night.
There is no moral to this story. Kinda like a Seinfeld episode, this is a blog about "nothing" - just a day in my life. Which is sure to turn off every woman reading this ("oh, wow, this guy Johnny is soooo hot, he falls for massage girls in strip clubs...THAT is the guy I want to marry.")
I haven't had a good date since January, so maybe I'm just off-center right now. As Liza Minelli famously sings, "I've Gotta Be Me."
(I've now quoted Liza Minelli - blog over!!!!)
March 23, 2008
Happy Monday! OK, I know for most of you there is nothing "happy" about Monday - but Monday afternoons for me is like Saturday afternoon for people with "real jobs."
I'm typing this blog in a t-shirt and boxers - now there's an image - after a great workout! After I finish this blog, I'm going to eat sushi and watch 30 Rock, The Office and Damages thanks to my trusty DVR.
March 31, 2009 - Holy Sham-Wow, Batman!
See that upstanding gentleman to your left? Surely you recognize him if you watch ANY non-network television whatsoever! His Sham-Wow ads are so ubiquitous that I practically have the "pitch" memorized!
Well, apparently, he has a temper that makes Chris Brown look like....Charlie Brown??!
Just read this - courtesy of the Smoking Gun! Cannot imagine the guy to your left doing this, but you never know, do ya?
I'm not done. Did you realize that you can "order" a Russian Bride? I always thought that was urban legend. The kicker: the company is based in Maine! Is this even legal?
April 3, 2009
I need to "get a few things off my chest":
1. Who came up with that expression, "get a few things off my chest?" Were objects actually ON the person's chest and - rather then brushing them off with their hand - they needed to verbalize and that accomplished removing said objects?
I am probably overthinking this but that is a dumb expression. Lets move on.
2. I finally went on a good date, this week. So I will no longer bitch about my social life here in this column.
(translation for my Jewish readers, "I will no longer kvetch about my social life here in this column")
For now.
This is very exciting, as clearly I need yet another outlet to share the mundane details of life as a nightclub promoter! Feel free to add me, if you are interested in such things.
4. Look, I'm pro-Obama as much as a Libertarian (me) can support a tax-and-spend liberal (Obama). I have to admit, his election inspired a lot of people, and made this country as a whole happy during shitty economic times.
That said....
For the THIRD day in a row, my NY Post arrives and on the cover are pics or references to Barack & Michelle visiting England. The Queen. What is "proper protocol" in the Royal Palace. What kind of gifts we are bringing London, and can it make up for the crappy 25 DVD present we gave some other Prime Minister. The "tank top" that Michelle Obama wore.
And on. And on.
Do people REALLY care about this?
The whole idea of a "King" and "Queen" is such a ridiculous and outdated notion. I mean - what exactly does the queen DO besides eat, piss, shit, get dressed, and wave to people when she feels like it? Does she have a purpose?
I'm just sayin' - ENOUGH already about Obama & "The Queen."
April 11, 2009
Being sick really sucks. I've been sick basically since the last blog entry below - where I was my usual witty, sarcastic self. Now? Just feel bleeeech, like that guy to your right. And its been going on for a week!
Of course, I have no one to blame but myself. Last Saturday after a great night at Elevate, I went at 4:30am with 4 friends and 6 strangers in a limo to Atlantic City. You could have named the trip "10 Idiots, A Stretch Limo and WAYYYY Too Much Champagne" and I bet none of the 10 people on the trip would disagree. Needless to say, we got no sleep Saturday, gambled through the day Sunday, even went to another club (in the same clothes - gross!) Sunday night, before finally retiring 2 am Monday morning.
Of course, Monday when I woke up, I felt like a Mac truck hit me. Hungover, yes. But something else. Hungover AND nasty-ass-flu.
Ever have both hit you at once? Indescribable fun! Basically, a reminder from my immune system that it will have the last laugh if I continue to treat it with reckless abandon.
So here it is, 7 days (and 0 drinks) later and I am about 85% healthy. Of course I'll be running Elevate tonight - should be a great night attendance-wise, plus the rain is supposed to clear for good at 5pm, which I consider a sign.
I won't make any Moses=Red Sea analogies here because there's been enough puke in one week for the both of us!
Anyway, consider this fair warning to keep distance from Germy Johnny tonight!
* Pepsi is a vastly inferior product to Coke, and hasn't had a creative marketing campaign since the "Pepsi Challenge"....which was back in the 80's. Yes, I'm one of those annoying people that watches commercials and judges their effectiveness. You try spending 7 days a week promoting, and switching an "off" button. Not easy.
* The idea of these souped-up Yankee guido fans pissed off because they didn't get their "free" opening day tickets, and only got tickets to a game in June, a few T-Shirts, and all the crappy Pepsi they can drink. I find rich humor in their misery. Full disclosure: I'm Italian, so I am a resident expert on all things Guido.
Those reasons notwithstanding, I am not smiling. If two billion-dollar companies like the Yankees & Pepsi can so massively screw up a HUGE promotion this badly - I mean, it was publicized for days on WFAN, the NY Post and Daily News - how can people trust a small business like mine?
Let me illustrate. When people sign up on Premier List - they receive 1 email a week, 1 text a week, and a phone call about every 2 months. Hardly ridiculous or obtrusive. If people request to be taken off 1 list, or all 3, I do it immediately. All 3 have an "unsubscribe" option, but if people reply to remove, I remove them. Simple as that.
Similarly, when people set up a birthday party, bachelor(ette) party, whatever with me, I lay out the terms in advance and give them exactly what is promised. That's why I have my own Premier List doorperson at each venue - to ensure things go silky-smooth. All bullshit aside, it gives me tremendous pride to help people celebrate an important day for them with their friends & family. Its what I do.
Unfortunately, the world in which we live is full of unethical morons. Some dick promoter is always going to keep texting people after they ask to be removed. Some cocky prick is going to promise a group the world if they set up their party, except when the party arrives at the door, they'll get nothing but blank stares and "sorry, its bottle service only, 4 bottle minimum." Which leads to tears, and screaming. A few days later, I'll hear about their horrifying experience, followed by "sorry Johnny, we should have went with Premier." To which I reply....."No Shit!"
I'll go one better. What I always love is when people reply to my weekly email or text with this:
REMOVE ME FROM THIS LIST IMMEDIATELY. I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR THIS. YOU ARE HARASSING ME AND IF I RECEIVE ANOTHER EMAIL FROM YOU I WILL GO STRAIGHT TO THE POLICE AND THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREU (I know, its spelled "bureau" but these idiots always spell at least a word wrong).
Now.....I am always tempted to write something nasty back - and admittedly, if I receive a message like this at 3 am after drinking, all bets are off! Usually, I just remove them. Why? Because of the Yankees of the world, the Pepsi's of the world, and the dickhead promoters of the world. They lie, scheme, screw up, and bring a normally sane person to their "tipping point." In turn, people think their only recourse is to make threats.
OK - rant over. Thanks for reading. In exchange for your time, I have a Scooby Snack - click here for 90 seconds of pure nirvana!
April 20, 2009
I'm a few days late on this, but there was an absolute mess of a Yankee/Pepsi promotion in Times Square on Thursday. Read, then come back to me.
Now, there are reasons that this article should make me smile:
* I despise the Yankees (they join Duke Basketball, Notre Dame Football, Andy Roddick & the Dallas Cowboys in my personal "Johnny Premier Circle of Athlete Hate").
April 27, 2009
Random thoughts after recovering from a crazy weekend:
* Attended part of the NFL Draft at Radio City Music Hall. What an event. I absolutely loved this note, from Peter King's excellent MMQB column on si.com:
UConn had more players picked on day one (four) than Florida, Oklahoma, Michigan and Penn State (three) combined.
What a fantastic job Coach Randy Edsall has done with my Huskies. I live & die with UConn Football & Basketball. That stat King provides about Saturday's NFL draft - especially given that many of my friends are fans/graduates of more "accomplished" football schools - is wonderful. I grew up going to games in Storrs where 1,000 people - maybe - would attend. Now they sell out "The Rent" for every home game, 40,000 strong!
2 years in a row in the Top 25 - and the NFL prospects the program is producing - will help UConn remain a Big East power for many years!
* Enough already of the ads featuring the woman with missing fingers due to smoking. And the ads where the guy needs a voicebox to talk. And the ones showing the disgusting lungs. They come on during the day - while I'm eating! - and have the sole purpose of grossing people out who choose to smoke.
Never mind that cigarette smokers are taxed to the gills already, or the peer pressure they already face from their non-smoking friends. Or the fact that they're discriminated against at restaurants, bars, nightclubs, casinos, airports, et al. Smokers are clearly treated like second-rate citizens in this country.
Given that - is it really necessary to run these ads constantly? Are my tax dollars paying for them? And why should I - a non-smoker - be constantly be subject to being grossed out while watching television? Thank God for my DVR, but still. Its a bit ridiculous!
* Speaking of required DVR viewing, if you haven't seen HBO Real Sports this month, and if you have HBO On Demand, you must take 15 minutes to watch Segment 4 of the current episode titled "Hands Off." These Politically Correct twits have gone too far. Ban Dodge Ball? Eliminate any contest where someone wins and someone loses? "Air tag" replacing "tag?" My lord!
It is truly frightening how they are trying to isolate kids from anything resembling failure. As one astute commentator put it, "It is the Wuusification of American Society." Amen!
* Finally, here's a great passage from a Chuck Klosterman book titled "Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs", which I highly recommend to anyone who enjoys my blog:
"You're missing the point," she said. "What you're saying makes sense in theory, but not in practice. You're trying to compare apples and oranges."
"Why do you keep saying that?" he said in repsonse. "Apples and oranges aren't that different, really. I mean, they're both fruit. Their weight is extremely similar. They both contain acidic elements. They're both roughly spherical. They serve the same social purpose. With the possible exception of a tangerine, I can't think of anything more similar to an orange than an apple. If I was having lunch with a man who was eating an apple and - while I was looking away - he replaced that apple with an orange, I doubt I'd even notice. So how is this a metaphor for difference? I could understand if you said, 'that's like comparing apples and uranium,' or 'that's like comparing apples with hermaphroditic ground sloths.' Those would be valid examples of profound disparity. But not apples and oranges. In every meaningful way, they're virtually identical."
"You're missing the point," she said again, this time for different reasons.
May 5, 2009
Some thoughts from Atlantic City:
* Lets say you're a Hooters' waitress - and yes, I go to Hooters, their wings are fantabulous, worth "cheating" on my diet with. And lets say you see a guy that really could use a drink because he is dying of dehydration. It is not a bad idea to provide that drink. Even if you aren't his waitress, per se. The girl to your right, by the way, wasn't the culprit - that's just a gratuitous photo for my male readers!
Back to my thirst. I am in the service industry - I recognize that I should tip the person that takes care of me individually, regardless of whether they're "my waitress." A 50% tip in that scenerio is not out of the question.
That said - I kind of "get" why I was ignored. Lots of "Bridge & Tunnel assholes" in AC!
Speaking of.....
* I'm staying at the Borgata, a wonderful casino I cannot say enough nice things about. Except for this:
Allegedly - they have a "hot club" with an "industry night" every Monday called Mur.Mur.
"Indsutry Night" - What a load of shit!
I went with my friends from the club biz Rob Diesel & Jackie on Monday. You could have literally lit a flame and roasted sausages. 3-1 ratio m/f and that's conservative.
Every pretty girl was harassed. I swear to God I was in hell.
I am not going to diss Mur.Mur because - the one time I was there before, I DID enjoy myself. Perhaps I was there Monday on an "off night." That said - my GOD! After, of course, we ended up gambling more....always a brilliant move after you've been drinking!
Final random thought of the day....
The best commercial on TV right now is by Heineken - linked here. It features sexy people in the back of a cab singing along to "What I Need" by Biz Markee (you know, the song that starts "Oh Baybeeeee YOUUUUUU, you got what I NEEEE-EEEED"). Biz is the lovely gentleman pictured to your left.
Why my favorite? First, it (hopefully) gets drunk drivers off the road. Second, its funny, poigniant, and totally gets the point of the ad across (ie don't be a drunk asshole who gets behind the wheel). After seeing mostly shitty advertising - especially during the Super Bowl, don't get me started - it was refreshing to see an ad that accomplishes what its supposed to.
Third, it puts one of the BEST songs of the early 90's in rotation again. If you're a younger reader of my blog, just type "What I Need" by Biz Markee into your IPhone or whatthefuckeveryouusetodownloadmusic (sorry, I'm old). Just an absolute classic!
May 24, 2009
Been horribly neglecting of the blog - to all 3 of my loyal readers, I apologize.
Its 7:20am on a Sunday and I stayed home on a Saturday for the first time in....God knows how long! It was just one of those nights where I felt my liver speak to me loud and clear: "Johnny, Fuck You, I need a night off!"
So - I've been fielding drunk calls from customers/partiers/idiots all night (really, the adjective depends on the person). My personal favorite is when I get an "accidental" cell phone call at 2:40am from someone talking to their friends, and you get to hear their insipid, chemically-affected conversations. Always lovely. I just overheard a girl bitching that she got her period to a girl who replied "I don't want to hear your problems...I'm just a little buzzed and want to get laid by a big guy."
To which I said - loudly - "HELLO? HELLO?!? WHO ARE YOU?? WHERE ARE YOU?!? ARE YOU ON FACEBOOK SO I CAN LOOK YOU UP QUICK BEFORE HEADING OUT?"
She couldn't hear me, and since I subscribe to about 50 movie channels that I rarely watch, its been great background material while "doing work." So far I've caught two:
1. Brewster's Millions. This movie got destroyed by critics when it came out, and Richard Pryor himself said it was the "only movie I did just for the money." But it had so many classic moments. Pryor was hillarious even in a "mail-it-in" performance. Jerry Orbach of Law & Order fame was his great grumpy self. And John Candy is the subject of my favorite sports story.
Bengals-San Francisco 49ers, 1989 Super Bowl. 49ers have the ball on their own 20, down 3, 2 minutes left in the game. Joe Montana - legendary SF QB - gets his guys in the huddle. He senses they're nervous - its only the biggest game in their professional career - and points out John Candy is in the crowd. Montana's teammates relax, they drive the 80 yards, and the 49ers win the Super Bowl.
This movie was tough to watch in one respect because the stars are all dead. Pryor had years of drug abuse and once - really - lighting himself on fire falling asleep smoking. Orbach died cancer, and recently - deservedly - got a road in Times Square named after him. Among his impressive credits, Orbach played the dad in Dirty Dancing - "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" - the girls I went to junior high with all wished he was their dad. And John Candy....well, as you can see, was just fat.
But as far as capturing this great City in the Koch era mid-80's, no movie did it better!
Footloose. Good Lord. Where to begin?
Kevin Bacon's dancing scenes - where his body double prances through the industrial complex, then teaches Sean Penn's brother how to slow dance - are high comedy. Lori Singer, Bacon's love interest, was absolutely beautiful. Singer still is pretty, though married to Dan Ackroyd...must be for the money. And Sarah Jessica Parker in a supporting role is rather cute.
I never understood the concept of Footloose - fighting over the "right" to have a High School Dance. But just the same, it's cheezy, nostalgic fun. I remember paying 99 cents to see it in a Manchester, CT movie theater in 1983, one of the first I was allowed to see without my parents. I just paid $12 to see The Girlfriend Experience in a much-less-clean Times Square theater. This is the perfect set-up for me saying "I felt as fucked as one of the cusomers" but I actually liked the movie.
Anyway....
Since Hollywood is devoid of creative ideas, they're going to remake Footloose. Starring....wait for it....Zac Fucking Effron!
(the "I Hate Disney" topic deserves its own blog. Its coming, and will be vicious.)
I'm trying to fall asleep to Teen Wolf, movie #3, starring my all-time favorite actor, Michael J Fox. I've seen it about 8 times. I was nodding off when noticing that a bit part was played by Doug Savant, aka "the gay guy" on Melrose Place, aka Tom Scavo, the whipped husband on Desparate Housewives. I should say, one of the whipped husbands. I guess women need entertainment too, emasculating men.
2 items before I pray my xanax will start to kick in:
* I realize I'm a few days late on this, but if you have 6 minutes, you must watch Jimmy Kimmel's 6 minute monologue after the ABC TV "Upfronts." Kimmel slays me. I cannot fathom that a rational human being would prefer either Leno or Letterman to Kimmel (or to Jon Stewart, for that matter). Those "Red State" people- by all means, spend money at my parties when you come to NYC, but lets not socialize, OK?
* The quote of the day belongs to Bill Simmons of ESPN.com, and concerns my least favorite "comic actor":
"Night of the Museum 2: Just When You Thought Ben Stiller Had Nothing Left To Sell Out."
June 6, 2009
Buckle up, friends. I realize it has been 10 days since my last blog update. Wow - this sounds like what TV represent an AA meeting to be like! *ahem* "Its been 9 months, 22 days, 9 hours since my last drink (or in this case, blog update)"
Because we're SO not going there! AA addicts - I hope you do well and all, but Johnny likes his Jack & Diet's, thank you, hold the guilt!
Anyway, this fab invention where I can talk into a recorder when angry or provoked....and pay one of my employees to transcribe my rambling thoughts into something coherent and gramatically accurate....LOVE it! Fucking Godsend!!!!
I know mini-recorders have been around since the 80's but I just bought my 1st one. Johnny's drunken thoughts now can stand the test of time! It is SO worth paying $17/hour to have someone make sense of them. Even though my ROI is probably about $0 in terms of cruise tickets sold, NYC parties attended by readers, whatever. I don't care. This is Johnny's ego talking, loud and clear!
Anyway, these are my heavily-edited thoughts. There are 4 parts - you'll be quizzed later:
Part I
I am a huge sports fan, as my regulars know. And on that note, props to those that have read my blog since 2003 - when I started Premier Thoughts. It is really cool to develop a "fan base." Then again, train wrecks like Chris Farley, "Mr Perfect" Curt Hennig and James Dean all developed HUGE "fan bases" and died young. So maybe having a fan base is overrated.
In turn, I shit on you by blogging irregularly when I feel like it. Wait - that's just my "writing idol" ESPN's own Bill Simmons.
So the big news is I'm starting to date someone. "Wow, Johnny, you're 35 and starting to date someone - by the way, I have an ex husband and 3 kids and go to court each week fighting for child support"....OK, OK, I get the point. Life as a single dude in Hell's Kitchen NYC - some of you find it hard to relate. Point taken.
Just the same, now that I actually kinda like a girl, I worry that I won't have the same salacious anger-based blogging style I used to. I am making a conscious effort to not "go soft" on you as this courting process continues.
Who am I kidding. If DO I end up with a "girlfriend", there goes my column's edge. That's OK, I'll trade "edge" for happiness. No, really, I will. Time to "grow up." Right?!? (rhetorical question)
Part II
I've thought a lot about the Michael Vick situation, because I'm uniquely prepared to comment on it:
I know anything pro-Vick will be trashed. I tried defending Vick once before in a nationally-published article...got ripped apart. That's OK - the bottom line is, people LOVE their dogs. And so do I.
I've spent 36 hours in jail. I cannot in any way compare those 36 hours to what it was like spending a year & 4 months (16 months, 66 weeks, use any metric system you want...that's a LONG time behind bars)!
No, I just got arrested several years ago on a dumb bar fight. Got off with no record - however, I had to attend one of those fun "anger management" classes. It was not nearly as entertaining as the one you might have seen between Jack Nicholson & Adam Sandler.
That said - I remember those 36 hours all too well. Call me a racist, I don't care...there were 40 people within sight and I was the only white guy. One guy was "eying me up." It was so fucking gross. Then some bum took a shit on the public toilet, in the same room I was being held. No air freshener, nor headphones to block the sound.
I don't need to go on, do I? Jail - from my VERY limited experience - is awful.
Whenever some PETA activist talks about how Vick wasn't sufficiently "punished," I just think ..."wow, these people have no idea what its like to be controlled by the wrists, ankles, and dignity, have your schedule dictated to you, lights out 10pm, be constantly worried about being ass-raped".....I semi-slept that one night with my back against the wall. I still have nightmares every so often about those 36 hours behind bars.
If you've never been arrested and held, you cannot imagine.
Here is how I see the "what really happened" conversation going down. I've read about the Vick case, including court transcripts (remember, I was an attorney) and here's essentially what happened:
Vick imbiscille buddy: "Yo Mike. We want to do a dogfight tonight but don't know where to do it. Lets make a night of it and get some brew and girls. I'll set up the fight, we'll use your property in Virginia. Straight bro?"
Vick: "So I just show up and there will be girls there? And we can put some action on one of the dogs?"
Vick imbiscille buddy: "Yeah. Trust me man - no no one will EVER find us here! Hot girls. We'll take some action on the fights. We good bro?
Vick: "Sure."
**** Postscript from Johnny. It simply amazes me that none of Vick's 3 "co-conspirators" were sentenced to ANY jail term whatsoever! The ADA just wanted Vick! The ADA in Northern Virginia saw this as a perfect high-profile case. Forget about who was the worst offender - that pales in comparison to an unsympathetic, rich defendant and awesome "cause celebre."
Look: I am not in ANY way justifying dog fighting. I think it's disgusting, repulsive. I have seen what the dogs look like once they "lose" and I am mortified. They get shot, or tortured, or worse. Awful!
When I graduated Pace law school, I lived for 1 1/2 years with a roommate/friend named Ann that had an abused pit bull as a pet. I saw how during those 18 months, the dog - Scout - became domesticated, and saw the impact a good owner can have on an animal in need of TLC.
I am proud that I helped Ann with Scout. I strongly support PETA and similar groups that educate people and also take abused dogs on as owners.
As for Michael Vick - he served 16 months in prison for what I honestly think was a crime of enablement. Basically, he aided his moron, dogfight-loving buddies by providing the money and location. 16 months - of the prime of Vick's life - in prison. Clearly, he was punished for being a dope.
Just released, Vick is now working for $10/hour in construction. Endorsements? Never gonna happen again! He signed a $105 million contract, most of which is gone - lawyers' fees, lawsuits, etc. Rreputation destroyed. He was once the most popular man in Atlanta. His life now blows because he let his buddies use a home HE DID NOT EVEN LIVE IN as a place to hold the dog fights. And the "buddies" all sold Vick down the river and none of them served ONE MINUTE of jail time.
Why did this happen? Michael Vick is the "big fish." The dipshit accomplices - the ones that did all the planning & work to set up the fights - helped the government with their case against Vick. They "struck deals" for their testimony. Such bullshit!
The world awaits NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's "stroke of hand" to decide if Vick has been punished enough. The High And Mighty Goodell - In His Ivory Tower on Madison Avenue - Contemplating If Vick Is Worthy Of Reinstatement - and yes, there's a reason I capitalized every word. Goodell should get over himself. If Goodell does not reinstate Vick IMMEDIATLY after Vick served 16 fucking MONTHS in jail, I will personally champion an investigation in Goodell's OWN personal life from before he became NFL commissioner. These "high and mighty" assholes really piss me off. No one is perfect!
What Vick says to Goodell - of COURSE he'll say he's sorry - is irrelevant. Vick is programmed to say whatever his AGENT feels will get him reinstated. Goodell - NOT a dog owner - wants to seem "firm but understanding." He is scared shitless of PETA.
Again -Roger - the man served sixteen months in jail! Do you really need to show how "tough" you are by adding to that? Let the guy earn a living! Vick is an NFL talent. He paid a HUGE price. Granted, my experience of 1 arrest and 36 hours in the NYC Tombs has made me jail-phobic but geez....do you need to add a suspension to his penalty? Really?!?
I swear, Vick won't host any more dogfights! I don't even know the guy, but you have my word on that - arrest ME if he does! If you reinstate Vick, I'll put up my freedom as "bail," I am that sure. He might fuck up doing something else but his dogfight-hosting days are over.
PETA - by and large - does a lot of good. On this ONE issue - they strongly maintain Vick should not be reinstated - they are way off base!
Part III (a quickie)
I am happy Orlando is in the NBA Finals just because I do not have to hear "LeBron James" rammed down my throat, ears, nose, any oraphice that the media can find.
It is just insane. I am supposed to like the idea of LeBron being a Knick. I live 7 blocks from MSG. I do have a partial Knicks Season Ticket plan which will be worth a LOT more in a year if that happens.
But I'm so LeBron'd out.
Maybe I'm in the minority here. But the guy lost and played his ass off. Let him enjoy the summer. Leave him - and the rest of us - alone!
Part IV
This entry is geared only toward those that I went to Bolton High School with, or youngin's reading this - ie underage drinkers - that have no tolerance: My Oh My would I love to be you!
Let me set the stage. 1990 - High School, Junior Year. To give you an idea of where I grew up, I would pass a cow pasture on the way to school, and my dad regularly sees deer in our back yard. "Social life" at BHS was going to a burger joint called Shady Glenn after a basketball game (I didn't exactly earn said cheeseburger with my play, mind you. I wore my #50 on my uniform proudly while guarding the bench against intruders).
Anyway....I snuck "Purple Passion" into my friend Sara Hathaway's New Years Eve party. I had a 2L bottle of the stuff which is basically....nothing. 1 1/2 or 2 glasses of wine I guess is the alcohol equivalent of 2L of "Passion" - they were basically wine coolers. And I was blitzed. Completely!
We all watched it 2 episodes of Arli$$ - otherwise known as TV hell. Don't ask how I remember that, I can't tell you what I had for breakfast today, but 1990 episodes of Arli$$ I remember vividly until the ball dropped.
Moral of the story - youngins - enjoy your low tolerance while you can!
My friend Kraig Kilpatrick was my drinking buddy for the night. I was 16. Now - I'm 35 and it takes a ridiculous amount of liquor to get me buzzed, much less drunk.
Hopefully my HS buddies will enjoy that story. You really had to spend a "rockin' New Years Eve" in Bolton CT at the Hathaway House - and pass a few cows & deer on your way there - to appreciate what life was like. I date girls that grew up in NYC and, my God, different worlds. It's funny, tonight I told a NYC girl - very pretty, in fact - that I don't date NYC-bred girls. Too jaded. She liked me more, the whole "reverse psychology" technique.
I digress.
On that subject - something totally self-serving, directed to my younger blog readers, but I don't care. If you know a friend that might be homosexual (gay or lesbian) but sense that he/she is unwilling to come out because of how they'd be treated, PLEASE, befriend that person. I am mortified when I think of "gym class" and how the gay jokes would flow in small-town CT.
I am Italian - straight - but had a acquaintance/friend named Nick growing up that - 20/20 hindsight - was gay. Didn't know. I could have been a positive influence and better friend to Nick, but instead was a complete, useless shithead. I said nothing. Did nothing. Nick died in college of an apparent suicide.
This summer - sorry, I know you don't care, but I think this is so cool - my Italian cousin named Gerard is getting married in CT. I'm throwing a "joint bachelor party" in NYC for him & his fiancee at a gay bar/club called "Splash." It is my vow to make it the most salacious, unforgettable night of their lives. I have never been so excited to throw a party in my 7-year career of throwing parties, especially since (clearly) I won't be getting laid at the end! Its family - Girard's gay - and a great, successful guy that achieved a great career in spite of a Italian culture that is less-than-understanding about "alternative lifestyles."
Getting back to the point. I implore you, if someone is "different" from you, but genuinely a good soul....befriend that person. Go slow, but be sincere. They can use it. Trust me on that one! If I could do my Nick relationship over....I've had that thought, every so often, for 16 years since I found out. Please - don't allow yourself to have the same regrets.
June 9, 2009
OK, before getting to today's topic, I've gotten lots of feedback on the last blog. Specifically, people that were shocked (SHOCKED!) that I admitted to once being arrested. Maybe I expose too much of my life on this blog - I did consider redacting my arrest story. I mean, this blog is one of the first things people find when googling Johnny Premier, and its probably not smart "business strategy" to admit that.
Then I thought: who reading my blog hasn't done anything stupid? It was one night 4 years ago. Myself and a fellow Italian paisan got into a ridiculous argument over a girl. One thing about Italians: pride can be a HUGE downfall.
These days, I'm a lover, not a fighter. I learned my lesson and escaped with a clean record. Life goes on - the blog stays!
Now to my thought of the day. In my gym, I see a Time Magazine with an "Twitter" on the cover. Here is the abridged verstion of the article - Time, in its pomposity and 1994 thinking, doesn't link its full stories online.
I fucking hate Twitter. I mean - if you want to read my thoughts, this blog is quite accessible, and I also update my status on Facebook
(oh, what's that Johnny - you've got a Twitter account? hmmmm)
Yeah, you kinda have to. I mean - the Time cover is just one example. Twitter has become huge, and I appreciate that people follow nightlife recommendations based on what I 'tweet.' But c'mon. Thoughts in 140 characters or less....has our MTV generation become THAT dumb and attention deficient?
Does the fact that the current book I'm reading (and loving) is Artie Lange's "Too Fat To Fish" destroy my credibility in judging the stupidity of others? Seriously - I know you don't look to me as a source of literary insight, but you MUST buy that book.
Deep Thoughts, by Johnny Premier (obligatory reference for old SNL watchers)....
June 26, 2009
I'm 35, and there are 4 celebrities in my life that I remember where, exactly, I was when they died.
To preface this, I was too young to appreciate the deaths of John Lennon & Elvis. I remember at 7 sitting at my kitchen table, watching the aftermath of Ronald Reagan getting shot. His death though was kind of an afterthought due to age - ditto Richard Nixon.
But, in order, they were:
* Marvin Gaye (I couldn't get over the fact that his dad killed him....plus, what a voice...)
* Princess Di. Wasn't that whole scene supposed to curb over-the-top paparazzi? It did for maybe 2 weeks, then everything goes back to (ab)normal
* Kurt Cobain. Was walking through the Clark University quad when a female friend and I were told. She completely freaked. I was indifferent. Nirvana sucked, and I liked metal.
And of course, yesterday. I mean, Michael Jackson....wow, so many memories. Did we really have moonwalk AND breakdancing competitions in junior high? Afraid so!
I prefer to remember him as he looked to your right - when I was 10 and all the girls I went to school had crushes on him. Didn't really get that. I understood the appeal of Rob Lowe & Emilio Estevez - same era - but anyway.
I also remember being over a friend's house and listening to Thriller. It is inconceivable 25 years later that 2 10-year-old boys could be entertained for 45 minutes just by listening to a cassette tape on a silver boom box. But we were. It was that good.
Final note on MJ - we all know he's had image "issues" for a while, but the 2003 documentary/hackjob that Martin Bashir did on him after getting 8 months of "Neverland" access really was the final straw. So, on the day "The King of Pop" passes, don't rush out some BS press release. Leave the man's memory the fuck alone, you scumbag opportunist. Read the comments below the article - clearly, most people saw right through it and felt the same.
Since I'm slammed with RSVP's for tonight, here are a few Scooby Snacks for ya:
* Also RIP: Ed McMahon & and Farrah. Best thing you'll read on her remarkable life.
And speaking of remarkable - the poster to your left sold more than THREE TIMES more than the next best-selling poster.
Just think about that for a second. It was on my wall, and the "Farrah fad" had come and gone by the time I hit puberty.
I didn't care. I saw nipples.
I know some of your cheap fucks reading this will try to rope a buddy into doing something stupid for money.
Saying at the Police Precinct "well, Johnny Premier sent me the link" is NOT an affirmative defense!
* Just when you thought "reality TV" could not get any lower, there's this, shot in our fair City. If this becomes the new Gossip Girl, I will stick a fork in my eye!
By the way, the Post sure can title articles, eh? "Pile of Prep Poop" - classic!
July 22, 2009 update - Pacha FINALLY reopens this weekend! New (unrelated) blog to come soon....
July 6, 2009
So this past weekend was fantastic, except for the fact that Pacha was closed. Thanks to everyone that bought tickets to our fantastic cruises this weekend, including of course the 4th of July Macy's Fireworks Spectacular! Very cool that the entire USA (and world, for that matter) saw a national broadcast of what our cruise-buyers saw in person! And NYC did a great job with the show - legit 50 minutes, and the finale was amazing!
That said....as most of you know, I promote Pacha on the weekends. I was there from the beginning, for 1 1/2 years, and my check was always on-time and cleared. Now, most of you who have "real jobs" - ie get a regular paycheck - take for granted that your check will be there on Fridays....and not bounce. Well...in my business, getting paid consistently on time is very rare....and, obviously, appreciated!
Also, I get an insane amount of inquiries from people under 21 asking to go out. I explain to them nicely that, aside from Pacha's 19+ Friday party, there are NO other NYC options. They don't seem to grasp that. I deal with people whose level of intelligence - despite having graduated from the NY Public school system - is Forest Gump-level (the deficiencies of the NY public schools is a topic for another day).
Here's what pisses me off. The owner of Pacha, Eddie Dean, is a good guy who employs LOTS of people....from manaagers, to computer staff, to watresses, bartenders, dishwashers, janitorial....you get the idea. And this past weekend - where Pacha lined up insane talent in the form of International Superstar DJ's Danny Tenaglia & Erick Morillo, to name 2 - was to be one of its biggest of the year.
So what does Pacha get for its contributions to the economy? A HUGE financial hit when Mayor Bloomberg does a shutdown like this. Not just to Pacha & Eddie, but to on-payroll staf, performers, DJ's, even people like me. Oh - *ahem* - did I mention it's an election year, and nightlife is an easy target, where Bloomberg can issue a BS press release on how he's "cleaning up" Manhattan.
Let me say this about Pacha: As a promoter, normally I just "walk your friends through" any venue I promote. NOT so at Pacha. Everyone I'm with gets ID'd, scanned, frisked, etc. And Pachs is the only club that will TOUCH under 21, despite the insane demand caused by NYC colleges & universities. They do it because they're organized and have a meticulous system that makes sure drinks aren't in the hands of kiddies!
I'm just saying - it is so random, and so wrong, that Bloomberg would shut down Pacha, given the way it is run. And that is - simply - the truth. I've promoted and seen sloppy clubs. Pacha is the exact opposite!
July 28, 2009
This is my annual recommendations blog - probably my favorite one to write, since it is 100% devoted to my opinion. Without further ado:
Movies: The Hangover was every bit as good as you heard it was. Mike Tyson makes an interesting cameo....speaking of which, there is an incredible documentary about Tyson's life that just hit DVD. If you remember Tyson in his late-80's heyday, this is an absolute must watch!
For a great indie flick, check out The Girlfriend Experience, just an incredible & realistic look at the world of upscale prostitution. Which, of course, I knew nothing about going in.
On the absolute flip side, I was coerced into watching The Ugly Truth. Wow, was that a fucking mess! Just a cheezy, formulaic "romantic comedy" starring 2 completely unlikeable people: A Russell Crowe wannabe (how long until he starts attacking hotel clerks?), and Katherine Heigl.
Now, I am not the demographic for Grey's Anatomy, so I might have been disinclined to appreciate this movie going in. Fine. But I had read about Ms. Heigl's shitty personality many times. This article - titled "Why Is Katherine Heigl So Annoying?" - sums up her many transgressions nicely.
I don't want to come across TOO harsh since I never met the woman. Still, it is hard to appreciate someone as an actor - and want to pay to see their work - if what you know about them is detestable.
See Cruise, Tom.
TV: I know Entourage has gotten bad press this season, but to me, every 1/2 hour goes down smooth like a fine Pinot (or like *ahem* "The Girlfriend Experience"). Hung is a total guilty pleasure - it's about what you think it's about - that I enjoy despite Anne Heche's looming presence.
(sidenote: 2 of my least favorite celebrities are pretty blondes. I love pretty blondes. This doesn't make any sense. Moving on....)
Law & Order CI has been completely hit or miss - Vinny D'Onofrio doesn't seem fully invested, which is an absolute shame since Detective Goren is the best written character on television since Tony Soprano.
If you're looking to a review of a reality show, you've come to the wrong place.
Books: You MUST buy the words of widsom of Susie Essman, the exceedingly talented comic/actress that steals every scene she appears in on Curb. One of the perks of being a "professional blogger" is getting advance copies of books, DVD's, whatnot when I pretend to be the "agent" for Johnny Premier. Shhhhh. It doesn't always work, but in this case it did and my GOD is this book funny.
A fantastic book for sports fans is Munson - about the former Yankee great written by Marty Appel. Great pool-side reading.
Finally, this isn't a book, but if you want to understand the mindset of an athlete that would use steroids or HGH to get ahead, read this column written by Jim Parque, a former starting pitcher with the Chicago White Sox.
I wrote a blog on steroids over 3 years ago - back then I had more functioning brain cells - so it makes for a good read.
Music: This is perhaps where my age becomes evident to younger readers - rest assured, I don't book the DJ's for our parties. I wouldn't know a Young Deezy from an Old Deezy.
However, there are 2 upcoming concerts I'm particularly excited about: Depeche Mode at MSG next week, and Pet Shop Boys at the House of Blues in Atlantic City on Sunday of Labor Day weekend.
Finally, 3 recommendations for which I admittedly have self-interest:
1. I'm throwing a Midnight cruise this Friday - yes, we at Premier List sell tickets for happy hour cruises every week, but this is my own baby and will be off the hook, I can assure you!
Three levels of music, a huge roofdeck on top, a gorgeous crowd and tickets are a mere $30 - with food included!
Call me or Jennifer at 212 785 3745 and we'll answer any questions you have about this, or help you get tickets.
2. This recommendation is to all the nightclub owners out there that read this blog. I want to point out a trend to you:
Summer, 2008. Spotlight Live - a formerly great 4-level venue in the heart of Times Square - was doing bang-up business. I promoted there on Saturdays and people loved it, especially the open-air roofdeck on the 4th floor. They did lots of restaurant & karaokee business at Spotlight during the week. Times were good.
Then, someone asks to rent out Spotlight on a Sunday to a ghetto crowd for Lil Kim's birthday. Metal detectors and the like.
A murder happened - it was national news, even Perez Hilton blogged like 8 times about it. LOTS of people lost jobs.
Fast forward to Thanksgiving night, when most venues are closed. Duvet sold its soul and allowed a more thuggish element to take over. An incident took place and Duvet was closed for 3 weeks.
Most recently, as readers of this blog know, Pacha was shut down for 3 weeks (it reopened Friday 7/24). This was largely due to an incident that happened at a Puerto Rican Parade afterparty. Please do not read this as my disparaging Puerto Ricans, but one look at the flyer told you the type of crowd that the event catered to. Thugs, for one night, were coming to Pacha. The fallout: lots of money & jobs lost, yet again!
My point: club owners, don't go for the money grab - think big picture! Both Pacha and Duvet are beautiful clubs with great crowds on the weekends - they should be more creative in what they book on "alternate" nights.
3. Click here to see how to create a nifty You Tube video easily. And please sign a petition to bring back my Hartford Whalers while you're at it!
Really, I don't watch too much TV these days. The weather's been beautiful, and 2 of my fave's are a few weeks away from coming back: Mad Men, which is absolute genius and stars love-of-my-life January Jones, and Curb Your Enthusiasm. Did you hear the cast of Seinfeld will reunite for a string of episodes? Very cool!
And speaking of Curb.....
Saturdays: Taj Nightclub | The Imperial | D'Or at the Dream Hotel | Club Elevate (18+f) | Pacha (19+)