September 3, 2004
Its over! For the last 14 months, the most frequent lead story on Sportscenter has focused on Kobe Bryant and Eagle, Colorado. Now, with one "statement issued by Kobe Bryant" a/k/a "Kobe, sign this, submit it to the media and we'll let you walk," Kobe can focus on Laker Basketball.
Make no mistake, this is going to be one ugly Laker team post-Shaq (I'm predicting a 39-43 record and no playoffs).
My favorite parts of the "statement" were these diddies:
"I want to apologize to her for my behavior that night and the consequences she has suffered in the past year."
And.....
"Although I truly believe this encounter between us was consensual, I recognize now that she did not, and does not, view the incident the same way I did. I now understand how she feels she did not consent to this encounter."
Now, this "statement" is the most ingenuous piece of crap I've ever read. You can picture the back-room negotiation of this: the victim, her lawyer and prosecutors wanting SOMETHING to show that the accuser was not a bold-faced liar. Kobe's people responding with "well, we'll give you a general apology, but you can't use it at the civil trial, and Kobe won't even read the statement." That's right - his lawyer gave it to the media. That says a lot.
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November 3, 2004
You heard about the new TV show Nip/Tuck? Apparently, plastic surgeons these days can work absolute miracles!
Remember the "Long Island Lolita" Amy Fisher, from like 10 years ago? Not an attractive woman, right?
That was before a plastic surgeon got a hold of her!
OK, this is crazy! A nip here, tuck there, and Amy goes from a 3 to a 7! That's huge!
It was the same feeling I got when seeing Jennifer Grey 100% transform from "kinda cute girl with a big nose" in Dirty Dancing to "wow, she's hot...is that really f%#$ing her?"
(As an aside....years ago I did tried match.com. It was interesting, but not for me. Anyway, my mom called me once before a date and asked me how I met the girl I was going out with. I told the truth. My mom's response: "You're just gonna meet girls that are psychotic through the internet."
Why am I telling you this? Well, as she revealed to Oprah, Amy Fisher met her husband on match.com....after she spent 7 years in jail for attempted murder. Oh yeah, we're both 30).
October 31, 2004
I went to Viva Las Vegas recently, and its funny how many "Life Lessons" you can learn by spending a few days in $in City. Here are a few:
1. Security guards don't like loud, drunk people climbing in the fake, promotional "boxing ring" of the MGM Grand.
You see, we were there while they were constantly hyping the De La Hoya/Hopkins fight occurring in their Casino. Drunk Johnny found the promotional ring too appealing to resist.
There might be a warrant out for my arrest from this, I don't know. However, the more important lesson from this night was...
2. Playing blackjack while you're drunk is a very VERY bad idea. Now, I would have actually come out ahead money-wise on the trip if not for a particularly inspiring Sunday party at the Hard Rock Cafe.
Here's what happened last Sunday: drink, dance (like a white boy), drink, flirt, get rejected, drink, come "home." Except "home" is a casino, and while my friends Donny & Tina are off playing video poker, I'm at the blackjack tables with $400 in my pocket. Now, alcohol consumption makes you do stupid against-the-book things on drunken "instinct." That "instinct" cost me that $400 in about 3 minutes (mind you, waitresses are bringing me Captain & Diet's in spite of - or maybe because of - my stupor).
So, I go to bank machine, take out $500, blow it, take out another $500 and piss that away. Now, this is where I owe Chase Manhattan a big "thank you" - there's a rule that you can't take out over $1,000 from your bank card in a day. Really, you could have had the MGM Grand taking over ownership of Premier List NYC.
If you think that's a good idea, check out the obscenely-cheezy rendition of "Studio 54" in their building.
3. You'll never feel like more of a tourist than when you get out of your car and beg your friends to take a picture of you next to the "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign.
Especially when you're waiting your turn to pose in front of the sign while a group of high school kids (on a "field trip") goes first.
Along those lines, I felt was in awe when visiting the Green Valley Ranch, where "American Casino" is filmed. I even won money there to boot! 9:00 p.m., Fridays, Discovery Channel: set your TI-VO now. Just trust Johnny on this one.
All that said, do I blame Kobe for agreeing sign it? Hell no! Look - he's a black man about to be tried in a town that's over 95% white. If you don't think there's some residual backlash from the O.J. verdict 10 years later, you're nuts!
With 12 jurors, you never know what they're gonna do, and if he's found guilty, that's 20 years to life we're talking - in prison! Plus the strain on his family and friends of a trial.
If a half-assed written apology is all it takes to make it go away, you gotta do it!
August 29, 2004
Just watched "Ahhhnold" make a terrific speech at the RNC, right here in Manhattan!
"Ahhhnold" is the Real McCoy - immigrated here in 1967 with nothing, became a huge success in Mr. Universe competitions, then a $20M per movie action star then married VERY well (Maria Shriver is the most attractive middle-aged woman I know of, look to your right for proof).
Now, of course, "Ahhhnold" is the Governor of the State of California. Wow! I won't even hold it against him that I once spent $7.50 to see "Twins."
"Ahhhnold" did a great job of connecting with the audience without actually giving an opinion on any significant political issue. THAT is what good politicians excel at. He even poked fun of his own image with even poking fun at his image with "I'll be back" and "don't be economic girly men" comments.
I think part of the reason that the RNC crowd was so into him (and make no mistake, he was the star of this Convention) is that a majority of politicians are born into money, sent to a top school, and just need to advance along the ranks for a career in politics if they so choose. They've never "pulled themselves up by the bootstraps" (a favorite Reagan expression) the way "Ahhhnold" did.
If the Republicans are smart, they'll put "Ahhhhold" and Rudy Guiliani on the campaign trail for Bush. If they do it, and spend a lot of time stumping in Florida and Ohio, Bush will win easy.
August 15, 2004
I've always had an irrational dislike for Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Then I read this quote, and now, its finally justified!
She told "Access Hollywood" that she was all hot and bothered by the paparazzi who snapped her picture while shopping in L.A.
Check this sob-story out:
"There is nothing worse than trying on an outfit that just looks absolutely terrible and you look outside and there are seven photographers snapping you."
No, Sarah, there's NOTHING in the whole wide world that's worse than THAT! Except maybe having no one want to take your picture anymore...
Just re-reading that quote reminds me how out-of-touch some people are, including the born-wealthy, family-got-her-started-in-the-business Ms. Gellar.
August 7, 2004
Random story. A judge in Salisbury, MD that issued a punishment that I loved.
A woman stole $4.52 of gas at Tiger Mart. Instead of sending her to jail, he ordered her to stand outside the store for 3 hours wearing a sign saying "I WAS CAUGHT STEALING GAS" - see picture to your right.
I'd love to do that to people that try to sneak into my parties without paying - having some hot girls standing outside my door with billboards reading "I TRIED TO SNEAK INTO THE BEST PARTY IN NYC" - but Manhattan judges are too damn soft on crime.
July 29, 2004
I realize that, for the right money, people can buy billboard space in NYC and put pretty much whatever they want up there.
Still, I want to hurl every time I go by 28th & 10th and see a drawing of the little girl doing math, with the caption of "How could our city deprive her of education in favor of a football stadium?" Or those annoying TV commercials featuring "everyman" (some Goomba with a bagel stand) saying "yo, the City is in so much debt, we got better things to be spending $600 million on."
Lets get a few things straight. There are 3 components to the stadium part of the West Side Plan (and it includes a 2,000-room hotel, restaurants, a museum and expansion of the Javitz Center - pictures of the proposed renovations are to the right). In approximate dollars, building the stadium costs $800 million, putting a roof-deck over the rail yards and creating a foundation for the stadium is $370 mill, and putting a retractable roof on it (which the Jets don't want, but the City does) costs another $230 mil, for a total of $1.4 billion.
Now, the Jets are paying for the $800 million stadium money AND insuring against cost overruns for any of these 3 entities. Meaning, every dollar above the $1.4 billion estimate is paid by the J-E-T-S. The City pays $600 million, yes, but its for something that's going to have to be done anyway (covering the railyards, an egregious waste of 6 acres of prime land) and the retractable roof, the only way it would be usable for the City most of the year. Usable for large conventions & concerts, the Olympics, the Super Bowl, the Final 4, etc.
The interesting part is who is actually paying for these ads against the proposed stadium. The backer is Charles Dolan and his Cablevision empire, who owns Madison Square Garden, and have embarked on one of the most disingenuous and hypocritical public relations campaigns in modern memory. Now, you've read previously in my column what a two-faced piece of crap Dolan is, but this folks is different. You see, the Garden is afraid of competition on the West Side. So, they created and funded a group called "The New York Association for Better Choices" to make it sound like he actually gives a shit about paying taxes and kids and firemen. When in truth, the Garden has taken $80 million from the public in the 10 years Cablevision owned it, as its exempt from property taxes! Why give the tax exemption?!? Its not like they're going to take the Knicks or Rangers out of Manhattan, where they do great in attendance despite offering a miserable product for years!
Look - whether or not this stadium (and the entire West Side project) gets built is an important issue for all of us that live in and around Manhattan. I support it, but hey, search the web and make up your own mind. Whatever you do, don't listen to that fat piece of crap Charles Dolan and his "Association for Better Choices."
* OK, I never was great at math, but here's an equation for ya:
Take one moderately attractive, self-absorbed teenager
+
Famous last name
+
Decent voice, though not as good as several artists who have performed my parties
+
a weekly show on MTV which seems to be produced for the sole purpose of hyping her album
=
Ashlee fucking Simpson has the #1 requested song on Carson Daly's countdown
