July 15, 2005
I realize that busting on Tom Cruise these days is kind of like taking a chainsaw to a fluffy, white marshmallow. And he did make tons of great movies over my lifetime - heck, my first kiss was while watching "Risky Business!"
Still....
He's one of the leading actors in Hollywood, making $20 million a movie....and in response to being asked whether he believed in aliens, says "Yes, of course. Are you really so arrogant as to believe we are alone in this universe."
Well, I'm plenty arrogant, and so are you, TommyBoy. I remember an interview with MTV a few years ago, back when the untalented tree-sloth known as Rosie O'Donnell was gushing over you. A fan asked Cruise "what movie did you make that you look back on and say 'I wish I hadn't made that?'" His response was (paraphrasing): "I've never made a bad movie in my life, I take my craft really seriously...how dare you ask me that?"
I mean, what an asshole. I'd bet he's not screening "Legend" for his friends.
This baseball season, you can bet that the #1 story in the media is Barry Bonds, and his chase of Babe Ruth & Hank Aaron's home run records. Bonds has over 700 homers, and with a monster year can catch Aaron's 756. However, an enormous black cloud hovers over the season, as a new book called "Game of Shadows" details Bonds' steroid use since 1998, when Mark McGuire & Sammy Sosa both broke Roger Maris' single-season home run record of 61.
Now:
Forget for a minute the fact that it was obvious to anyone whoever spent time in a gym that Bonds - as well as McGuire, Sosa & Jose Canseco - were on steroids, or at least Human Growth Hormones (HGH). Bonds, for instance, had a normal-sized head when his career started; it's now the size of a bowling ball. I don't believe there's a way beyond pumping HGH in your system to make your head grow like that.
I've got a theory about these Scientology idiots (Cruise, Kristy Alley, John "where'd my rug go?" Travolta) which applies to the recent Kabbalah converts (Britney Spears, Ashton Kutcher, Madonna) as well. Basically, all of these people except Alley have been in the spotlight since they were VERY young. Most have partied a lot, done drugs, been told their entire lives how great they are, never had to worry about money, and lived in a "bubble" of sorts.
Problem is, when you experience so much, so young, you have a feeling of always needing that "extra high" later in life. So, when the starring roles or attention isn't there for these Celebutards anymore, they get absorbed in these strange ideologies as a way of staying one-up on normalcy, even when you're too old to party anymore. Then, when the rest of the Enquirer-reading sheep pick up on the trend, start something new & wacky!
Plus, coming out for Scientology doesn't get in your name in the paper the same way that, say, converting to Catholicism does!
November 5, 2005
Mail-in rebate. These three words, repeated in succession in my presence, are likely to make me projectile vomit on command. Think I'm kidding? Try me, and stand back...
The very concept of the mail-in rebate is absurd. Of course, the salespeople at Radio Shack & Comp USA exhibit robot-like support for it.
You all know the experience I'm talking about. You're cell-phone shopping and see a nice phone:
"Hmmm, $199, has all the features I want, I look great in the mirror with it, I think I'll take it!"
Then you see the fine print:
On-Sale Price: $199
Phone cost after in-store rebate: $349, less $150 manufacturer mail-in rebate.
Whoa, wait a second! You mean I have to shell out $349 now, in the hopes that I'm going to remember to fill out this fucking RIDICULOUS form when I go home, mail it in, then trust that the company is going to send me a $150 check? Then I've gotta go cash the damn thing?
Here's the bottom line. People like to save money, and get nice things that they can't otherwise afford. So companies prey on this fact with great savings via "mail-in rebates" KNOWING that 89% of the people that buy a new DVD player or cell phone aren't going to bother to send it in....and of those that send it in, the chance that the company will receive the form, send the check, and the customer will get & cash the check is remote.
On a related note....
I saw someone in a "FREE KATIE" shirt yesterday. Those things are fucking hilarious!
Think about her poor dad - there was a 16-day brainwashing span where no one heard from the girl. If I were Mr. Holmes, I'd be expecting the apocalypse any day now!
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March 23, 2006
These days, the amount of negativity that pervades the media is disgusting. Google any movie, book or nightclub you might enjoy, and you'll find a blog or journal ranting about how it "sucks.' The number of losers out there that have nothing better to do than criticize the hard work of others is, apparently, limitless.
That brings me to The Sopranos, and last Sunday's episode "Join the Club' that aired March 19.
For my money, the last 2 episodes before The Sopranos' long hiatus - culminating with Adriana & Tony B getting whacked, and Christopher considering a broadcast over radio station WRAT - were the best in the great history of the show. That's part of why the anticipation was so strong for this Season Six, myself included.
Sunday's episode, where Tony lapses into a coma and imagines life should he have been a Joe Blow salesman, was definitely unique. Dream sequences aren't everyone's cup of tea, and Sopranos creator/writer David Chase uses them liberally.
However, there was a lot to like about it - Vito's priceless line about Eugene's suicide being the result of repressed homosexuality, Christopher's interaction with the FBI agents, and the clear battle-lines being drawn among Tony's crew while Johnny Sac is in prison and Tony is hospitalized.
Still, the negative feedback throughout the media was swift and decisive. The sentiment was the show, as well as Tony, had one foot in the grave. Of course, these reviewers watched till the very end, and will watch again next week, and the week after that. Negativity sells, so expect that these cretins to write about how the show's "time has passed.'
Well, to anyone so quick to bury The Sopranos, may you be sentenced to a year of watching insipid sitcoms on CBS with laugh tracks and "cute kids.' Everyone else, have some faith in Chase's vision; he hasn't let us down in the past.
March 11, 2006
Over the past year or 2, I've had the question repeated to me "when are you going to join myspace.com?" That changed a few weeks ago, when people would approach me with a smirk & wise-ass remark, along the lines of:
"Johnny boy, love the myspace profile"
Considering I never signed up, I was intrigued.
Needless to say, it was some joker pretending to be me; which I found odd, since I'm not a celebrity. I've learned since that fraud is all over myspace - for example, 14 people have pages up claiming to be a professional wrestler I know, and there are 47 (!) claiming to be an actor I know. The funny part was the user "comments' telling those celebrity-impersonators how big of a fan they were!
How to fix the impostor issue? It would seem that myspace could solve this problem easily. Maybe require the person be photographed with their drivers license showing, or entering in a valid credit card - something to verify identity. It would go a long way to make being on the site feel less (for lack of a better word) "slimy."
As for me? I bowed to peer pressure and finally signed up. I find myspace to be a useful tool to promote my parties and find old friends from college, law school, etc. Some people seem to take it wayyyyyyyyyyy too seriously though, with "tricked out' sites that must have taken forever to design.
Wherever do they find the time?
The fact is, baseball clearly knew there was a steroid problem, and chose to ignore it during the home run boom of the late 90's. Look, I grew up in the late 80's/early 90's - when my friends and I would look at people like Lyle Alzado, Ben Johnson & The Ultimate Warrior and just knew they were "juicers."
The fact that the MLB Commissioner's office, the media (now all high & mighty on the subject) and the teams themselves - with strength and conditioning coaches that knew better - all chose to ignore the issue is the reason that Bonds' yearlong chase of Aaron will be a giant mess for the league.
The fact is, steroids were not on MLB's banned substances list till 2001. Now, I'm sure many of you are thinking "well, that was still CHEATING. The players were getting an unfair advantage by putting that crap in their system!"
Oh, really?
How many times when you were in school, and late in finishing a paper, did you pump caffeine in your system to get it done? To the smokers out there, how many times when you were under stress did you rely on a nicotine fix? Show of hands, how many people diagnosed with depression need their meds to get out of bed, much less be productive? Full disclosure: when I'm working the door of a party, I need a few drinks to be chipper all night.
Now - lets see - caffeine, tobacco, prozac & alcohol are all drugs, yet we can all rationalize their use to get the most out of our bodies as possible. As far as the "good old days" of baseball go: scuffed balls, spit balls & corked bats are all part of the sport's glorious history.
Players have looked to get a competitive edge since the beginning of time, same as us. They also knew that other players were using steroids, and needed to stay ahead of the bell curve to keep their jobs. Its baseball's responsibility to police its players and make sure they aren't juicing - with millions of dollars at stake, you can't put your head in the sand and expect the players to "do the right thing' when their competition might not be. Bottom line: MLB's actions were too little, too late.
And as for the haters out there: If you attend a Mets/Giants game this summer and plan to boo Bonds, think of what you'd do (and have done) to get an 'edge' in your chosen profession. Its really not as cut-and-dry as the media is making it out to be.
January 31, 2006
Hypersensitivity and Political Correctness are an absolute plague on our society. I went to Clark University - a bastion of knee-jerk liberalism - and since I left the commune, its effects on me have dwindled.
New York City, in particular, is an interesting case study. There are definitely segments of the population that live to get offended here, or have a basis to sue you later. Then, there are also those that seem resigned to the fact that you'll see offensive things in their daily lives (remember Carrie Bradshaw observing the gentleman peeing in the street?), and finally those too wrapped up in their own lives to really give a shit about anyone else.
Why do I bring this all up? The news serves as a constant reminder that hypersensitivity and "PC" still exists. This past week, there were several instances of individuals being offended. The question is: are those being offended justified in their anger, or just starved for attention?
Lets delve:
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Tom Cruise, South Park, and a Closet
South Park gets my vote for best animated series of all time - its been around for almost a decade but still manages to come up with great episodes each week. Before I rule on this, I'm putting my love for "South Park" on the table.
One great episode last season featured a melding of Tom Cruise, the absurdity that is Scientology, and R Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" epic. I'm not going to spoil it for you, suffice to say that the scene where Nicole Kidman & John Travolta try to coax Cruise "out of the closet" is priceless.
Now, by threatening legal action, Cruise has managed to get Paramount ("South Park" distributor) to ban repeats of the show. An insider said: "Tom is famously very litigious and will go to great lengths to protect his reputation. Tom was said not to like the episode and Paramount just didn't dare risk showing it again."
Judge Premier: Didn't the Paramount exec's see The People vs. Larry Flynt? South Park is a PARODY and therefore protected speech. Very disturbing that they would lay down for an imbecile like Cruise!
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Mets GM Omar Minaya & Mets Fans
This one, I first remember hearing about last March when a Mets radio commercial came out. In the spot, John Leguizamo, the actor, left a message on GM Omar Minaya's answering machine requesting tickets. Leguizamo also congratulated Minaya for signing "Pedro (Martinez) and Carlos (Beltran)" before joyfully proclaiming "Latin's in the hooooooooouse!"
The backlash on New York sports talk radio (which I have more first-hand knowledge of than Golden Globe coverage) was quick and decisive. The Mets fan base was largely white and suburban, the gist of the calls was, "how dare the Mets cater to the Hispanic market so openly?" There was definitely an undercurrent of racism to some of the calls, but in time, the calls passed. During the season, I noticed a greater Hispanic influence at the games - Banco Popular advertising, etc.
Then came this off-season, where (as has been pointed out several times) 13 of the 15 players the Mets acquired were Latino. WFAN host Chris "Mad Dog" Russo called this "Eye raising."
Judge Premier: There probably is some "eye raising" elements to this, to be truthful. But the Mets are being smart by courting the Hispanic market, which is often ignored by New York sports teams despite the fact that it continues to grow. And hey - I saw plenty of Pedro Martinez shirts on white kids!
I'm not sure if the Mets openly told Minaya to go this route, but if they did, its good business.
Isiah Thomas & Bad Behavior
Sticking with sports, here's a story you couldn't have missed living in NYC regardless of whether you hate the Knicks, or think Thomas has done a lousy job as their GM (he has). Anucha Browne Sanders sued Thomas for sexual harassment; Thomas, of course, denied it.
Now, I am not playing Judge Premier on this one, as we've yet to get enough info either way. However, 2 things struck me about this lawsuit:
1. The president of the Knicks revealed that Sanders demanded $6 million or else she would go ahead with the lawsuit. Her lawyer's response: "How do you put a price on Ms. Browne Sanders' career? She was the second-highest individual in the Knicks organizations, and one of the most senior African-American women in all of professional sports. I don't know how you put a price on that."
Hmmm, the fact that, through her lawyer, she admitted to blackmailing the team makes me very suspicious.
2. She alleges that Thomas pushed for more Sunday noon home games and had a "basketball strategy" that included getting opposing teams' players drunk at strip clubs. Thomas wanted concierges he knew at hotels frequented by visiting teams to direct players to "certain nightclubs, including strip clubs," where those players would get intoxicated "so they would not be prepared to play on Sunday."
Now, how is this part of a harassment lawsuit? That's gaining a competitive edge. Very smart!
I'm not a Thomas fan, but I smiled when I learned he does this! Isiah, if you're reading this, I can help! Send the opposing players to a Premier List party on a Saturday and I'll do my part to make them useless on a Sunday afternoon.
Isaac Mizrahi & GLAAD
Those of you who saw the E! Network's Golden Globes "pregame" show might have noticed Isaac Mizrahi working the Red Carpet, interviewing celebrities. I did not, so I'll have to go by CNN's account of the following:
"Mizrahi groped Scarlett Johansson's breast, looked down Teri Hatcher's dress, asked Eva Longoria about her pubic hair and otherwise caught celebrities off-guard."
But alas, it wasn't for any of these acts that he incurred the wrath of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD). What got their panties in a bunch was Mizrahi's comment to Charlize Theron about her role in "Monster" as a "scary dyke with bad teeth."
Now, look at Mizrahi to your left. I think you know where I'm going with this.
Judge Premier: A more homosexual person than Isaac Mizrahi, I cannot imagine!
The idea that he could be accused of any form of homophobia is laughable. Yet, E! bent over for GLAAD (pun intended) and agreed to erase the interview from future broadcasts.
Its kind of like playing "Telephone", as shown Sunday on the fabulous HBO show Curb Your Enthusiasm. Larry David sits among a group of kids with the phrase "I Love Pigs" going around the circle, and somehow it becomes "I Love Tits."
Somewhere, between the time people see $199 is really $349 less $150 "mail-in rebate", Pigs become Tits.
It makes much more sense for these companies to deceive people than to give the savings outright.
Now, you may be wondering "Johnny, why do YOU care?" Well, during the lawyer-to-club promoter life transition I went through a few years back, I was flat broke. And scams like this worked on me. I was too busy working obscene hours trying to make a living, I had no time to worry about mailing in some form. I'm sure that cost me a lot of money.
As New Yorkers, most of us are immune to the "scammer on the street" that won't shut up....we won't give him or her a 2nd glance. But the ones you REALLY need to watch out for are these fancy stores with people smiling at your face, while trying to give you an Anal Probe without the benefit of KY Jelly. All I'm saying is, read the fine print.
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Went to the Knicks game vs Dallas on Monday, my first since they acquired Coney Island native Stephon Marbury in a trade with the Phoenix Suns. And let me report, Stephon's return to the NYC area made a HUGE difference. MSG has felt like a morgue the last couple years, as no one in the building gave a shit whether the Knicks won or lost except:
1. Latrell Sprewell....who they promptly traded.
2. Young kids screaming their heads off, though they get more excited when the t-shirts get blasted into the stands.
3. People who had money on the game. Yup, your favorite club promoter included.
Let me explain what went wrong with the local teams, for those who aren't sports fans. Madison Square Garden and its tenants (Knicks, Rangers & Liberty) were bought by the Cablevision conglomerate a few years back. All 3 franchises made their league finals in the mid-90's. Since then, all 3 teams have gone down the shitter.
For instance, who could forget the magical New York Rangers 1994 Stanley Cup Season? Well, despite having the highest payroll in the NHL, they haven't made the playoffs in 6 years.
Just think about it: in the NHL, the top 16 teams of the 26 in the league go to the postseason. The team from New York that buys all the high-profile players as free agents (Eric Lindros, Bobby Holik, Theo Fleury, etc) can't finish in the top 16 for 6 years straight! Just inept management, decision after decision.
Until now.
Speaking of Cablevision, their corporate structure serves as a wonderful example of rich people born into high-paying, high-profile jobs. Now, for those of you who wake up to check out your resume's status on monster.com and wonder why you don't have a great job yet, the answer is simple. Your last name isn't Dolan...
You see, Charles Dolan, a hard-working wise man in his 70's, is President of Cablevision Systems, Inc. Chuck gave his son James Dolan - that would be the dope pictured to your right, the keys to MSG, as though they were keys to red Ferrari on James' 16th Birthday.
James Dolan, who had ZERO experience in sports management before assuming these duties - and in fact did an extensive stint in rehab - is the poster-boy rich kid of ineptness. His handling of the Garden teams has been poor. He's fat, condescending & speaks with worse grammar than President Bush.
The results since he's been in charge have been putrid. Of course, he doesn't have to worry about losing his job!.
Talk about winning the Genetic Lottery!
November 11, 2004
There’s a new show called “Average Joe” on NBC, and its concept is fabulous. Get this - a former NFL cheerleader (the hottie to your right) auditions to be on a reality show, and is asked to prioritize what qualities about guys matter to her (personality, intelligence, blah blah bullshit). Anyway, looks were put 6th on the list.
Now, if you’re like me, when you see a hot girl do this, you snicker. You just know she’s full of shit. So the wicked folks at NBC decided to create a "Bachelor"-type show where a woman picks a man among 14. But here’s the catch: they’re all average to below average looking. But with great personalities! When the dudes get off the bus, chickie is pissed, but the NBC execs talked her into staying. And now we have a show.
To paraphrase a joke about lawyers, how can you tell that, when a woman says “looks doesn’t matter” she’s lying? Her lips are moving! OK, I’ll personalize this: I’m 6'1", and have gone from 248 lbs (i.e. borderline obese) to 207 lbs. The way people - women *especially* - have treated me from now to then is extraordinarily different. Looks DO matter: if you want to pretend otherwise, shut the fuck up in my presence!
There are a lot of annoying people in the news lately, here are 3 for me to vent about.
1. Rosie O’Donnell and her ridiculous feud with the publishers of Rosie (the magazine) immediately comes to mind. These petty people are clogging up pages 2 & 3 of the New York Post, and they must be stopped!
Bottom line: no one with a triple digit IQ gives a fuck about Rosie O’Donnell. Back in Rosie’s hayday, it blew my mind that people found her funny. Then I thought, they’re not laughing with her, they’re laughing at her, in an "at least I’m not pathetic and in denial like you are" sort of way.
(Editors note: After proofreading the above paragraph, Johnny was told “yea, well people pay $1,000 a pop to watch Barbara Streissand in concert.” So, says Johnny, if that ugly wench – who SHOULD have left the country as she promised when Bush won in 2000 – has a devoted following, maybe people actually DO like Rosie O’Donnell. Scary fucking thought).
This whole Lisa Minnelli/David Gest saga. Weren’t they going to be doing an ego-stroking “reality show” special on VH1 a year ago? Now, Gest claims that Liza - an overweight cancer survivor - physically abused him. Are you kidding me?!? These rich, arrogant, past-their-limited-prime people somehow managed to get coverage of this crap.
I’ll defer here to Judge Judy, who had a great quote about the whole situation last week:
"She hasn’t an extra $10 million to throw around, a fact he certainly already knows. The taxpayers don’t have any extra money to throw around, a fact this entire city already knows. If the judge sitting on the case had balls, he’d dismiss it without it costing Joe Schmo as well as Liza Minnelli a fortune.
Johnny's a fan
Today, 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. Enough there are fights over maintenance and child support. Now, suddenly, the law will allow you to file suit and say you were battered physically or emotionally? Now, suddenly, we’ll have to litigate two cases? A divorce and a civil case? We mustn’t let our justice system be abused by this. Such nonsense has to be dismissed before we’re burdened with court costs of stenographers, bailiffs and the cast of thousands.
Our courts are overburdened. Judges have legitimate cases backed up. Cases that have merit can’t get on the docket because of nonsense like this. Somebody should tell that judge to use the balls he was born with and dismiss it."
The fucking Hilton Sisters. Now - for disclosure purposes, these girls were at a Premier List party over the summer. They made that wonderful "you’re the promoter so we’ll be nice to you" first impression on me. One of them (I can’t tell them apart) got drunk and was making out on the dance floor with some dude. The other pouted.
As is obvious, neither of these girls have any talent whatsoever, except being born filthy rich and attractive. Because of these gifts God gave them, E! actually did an hour-long special called “The Fabulous Life of the Hilton Sisters.” It was as disgusting as it sounds.
Now - get this! - Fox gave Paris Hilton her own weekly reality show called “The Simple Life.” I managed to get an advance copy of the first 2 episodes - yup, I convinced Fox TV that Johnny Premier, a nightclub promoter with an internet column qualifies as “media.”
What’s the deal these days with athletes “guaranteeing” a win at the drop of the hat? Long time NYC residents know the legend of J-E-T-S QB Joe Willie Namath guaranteeing a Super Bowl as a 17 point underdog against the Colts. Or Mark Messier of the Rangers guaranteeing a win over the Devils in the 1994 playoffs, before going on to win the first Stanley Cup in 54 years.
Later, Patrick Ewing “guaranteed” a Knicks victory over the Bulls in a clumsy manner - look how that turned out, the Bulls owned the Knicks in the 90's, including that night. This past week, Tampa Bay DB Simeon Rice “guaranteed” that his Bucs would beat the Carolina Panthers. Of course, the Bucs lose. Now ANOTHER guarantee by the Cincinnati Bengals’ Chad Johnson that his team will defeat the unbeaten KC Chiefs this Sunday.
This is such bullshit. These “look at me, look at me” athletes want to be on SportsCenter. They know that their chances will be enhanced by promising victory. But what are the consequences if the “guarantee” isn’t fulfilled? Does the millionaire football player promise to refund the money of paying fans? Hell no. Offer to donate his time to charity? Don’t think so. These fucking people want attention however they can get it. And as long as the mindless media cover these “guarantees” as newsworthy, I’ll have to see Simeon Rice’s ugly, conceited mug on SportsCenter for no good reason!
Basically, Paris and Lionel Ritchie’s daughter parade around a farm and bitch that there’s only 1 bathroom. They reveal that they’ve never heard of a soup kitchen. My favorite quote is from Paris, when the family they’re staying with brings up shopping at Wallmart: “What is Wallmart? Do they sell wall stuff there?”
These people should be incubated from society (and especially the media) as though they’re carrying a raging case of herpes.