August 8, 2009
For those of you that - like me - grew up in the 80's, there was no better voice of our generation than John Hughes.
I've blogged for my website for 6 years, and love to get a reaction from people by my words. But the best way to understand how immense the effect of John Hughes' movies is to see for yourself. Hughes made an absolute star of Molly Ringwald, Matthew Broderick, Anthony Michael Hall et al. And his movies were funny, quotable, re-watchable and often cringe-inspiring. Comparing their effect on pop culture to some reality show pissant like "Speidi" is a joke.
For younger readers, this 5 minute video will hopefully give you an appreciation for John Hughes' impact on the 80's (and yes, the "cheeze factor" is very high...and yes, people actually wore acid-washed, ripped jeans).
If you're my age, its a quick trip down memory lane - hope you love it as much as I do:
What? You're still here?!? The blog's over. Go home! There's nothing left to see!
(if you have no idea what I'm referring to, rent this movie now!)
OK - since I took my happy pills today (no, really, I did) and can't end my blog on the note of an icon's death....
"But wait, there's more!"
* You know how I mentioned that I hate reality shows? I do find this Paula/American Idol standoff fascinating. Career fucking suicide!
Tim Goodman, who is the best TV columnist alive and writes out of San Francisco, just destroyed Paula's "team" for how they (mis)handled the situation.
And Kari-whatever's crocodile tears? A woman who none of us heard of a year ago, now occupying the power "chick seat" on the most popular TV show in America?
Come on! She's the happiest woman in Hollywood today!
"But wait, there's more!"
* Speaking of phoniness, there is nothing worse - as a sports fan - as having to hear the "statement" of some dipshit athlete that is carefully constructed by their Public Relations firm.
Take Donte Stallworth. This piece of shit killed a woman while drunk. His punishment for taking a life - 26 days served in jail.
Just an absolute travesty of justice.
You think he actually wrote a word of it? I've heard the man speak, he's your stereotypical dumb football player. Which is fine, but please, don't represent those words as his own. Give me a break!
I will only believe athletes - and celebrities, in general - if they have the balls to appear at their OWN press conference and take questions. If you fuck up, man up.
These statements are complete 100% bullshit.
* Last but not least:
You know those so-subtle "But wait, there's more!" references I've made in this blog?
Loser.
August 25, 2009
I'm one of those people that, once a big event in my life passes, I look ahead. Not big on nostalgia except for pop culture. I graduated Bolton (CT) High School at 17, Clark University at 21, Pace Law at 24...kept a few friends from each place, and left the rest behind.
It wasn't entirely by my choice, mind you. Sometimes other people aren't huge on keeping in touch. Then again, sometimes lifestyles make relating to the person you were great friends with years ago difficult.
(Really, Johnny, your HS friend, who now 17 years later have 3 kids, a house in the suburbs and loves bitching about garbage collection schedules & PTA meetings can't grasp your meglomaniac life as a Manhattan club promoter/cruise host? Shocking!)
There is a point to me telling you all this.
From 24 to 32, with a few notable exceptions, it was easy to escape the people that you really didn't want to 'keep in touch' with. Like, if I ignored you when I knew you, why would I want to hear from you now? Harsh but true, right?
Well, Myspace changed all that in 2007 - and once Myspace began its tragic downward spiral of in-your-face ads and graphics designed for 14 year olds - Facebook took its place.
Don't worry friends - this isn't yet another blog about how 'social networking sites & blogs are taking over the world.' Aside from the recession, that is probably the most over-covered story in the media.
No, this is about the 4-5 legit people that I'm happy are back in my life due to Facebook's searching. One, Kerrie, sent me an email titled "fun random thoughts" - it was filled with good stuff.
The unnamed author's "random thought," followed by my commentary in bold/italics:
I wish Google Maps had a "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
I actually provide that service in nightlife - the "Avoid Ghetto Parties" option. People hear from a friend of a friend that a venue is hot - or they remember it from "back in the day" and I have to re-educate them that their info is outdated.
Best example is LQ (Latin Quarters). Once a nice place with a good latin crowd, it is now Ghetto Crowd Thugville thanks to one Plaxico Burress. Lots of people lost jobs becuase of this. Great job by Plax!
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
(um....guilty....)
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.
Yeah, but there's an art on how to "play it" when that happens - it has to me, plenty of times.
A topic that deserves its own blog.
I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
My favorite line. Anyone that's seen me at 3:30am on a Saturday understands.
That's enough, Nickelback.
Yeah - speaking of "that's enough" - I just saw that MJ's death is ruled a homocide. Jesus Christ, we'll be hearing about this story now forever!
Lets call a spade a spade here. Tremendously talented musician and dancer, generous with charities, weird motherfucker that among other things made his kids wear masks and shared his bed with other people's children. "Neverland?!!?" He earned the nickname "Jacko."
So come on, we've already done the MJ musical retrospectives and had Janet Jackson direct his kid to "speak into the microphone and look into the cameras" at his memorial. Dad, Tito, Jermaine, LaToya et al...these people need to be out of my life. Now.
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
I did this with Atari, and it worked!
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
YES!!!! How many dumb arguments have I gotten into over the years from friends/business colleagues that KNOW I'm a snarky/sarcastic prick (hopefully in an endearing way) but don't "get" it over email?
Please invent this!
Enjoy 2 years of getting ass-raped in jail, dick
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f *** was going on when I first saw it.
I'd always look for "nudity" to be listed - that would increase my chance of watching said movie by 862%.
Also, I can't appreciate Tom Cruise movies now, ones I loved in the 80's. Ever since he used his Paramount Studios influence to force Comedy Central to pull a South Park episode where Cruise gets destroyed....I mean, the scientology stuff and his robot-like control over Katie Holmes is weird, but censorship for me is a dealbreaker.
I can't even watch Risky Business, and I had my first kiss to that movie.
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
That for me is the TV show Damages - just a wonderful show, but it's very complex and develops the nuances of the characters. Which to me is part of the appeal. But I watched it twice with people coming in cold and they got bored very quickly. I haven't tried that with Mad Men for the same reason.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
You can't.
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
Me too.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
See, I'm terrified too, but I find nothing wrong with "light internet stalking" - ie I google everyone, whether its a company I'm going to do business with, a restaurant I'm going to, a girl I'm going on a date with, whatever. I like information - what can I say?
I did have this happen twice: one girl was mortified, one was flattered that I took the time to find out more about her. Probably another topic that deserves its own blog.
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
Or - especially - if you're in the hospital sick, the friend should eliminate anything sketchy in the house, computer, etc. Just to prevent....um.....consequences when the sick guy got out.
I mean, when you're dead, you're dead.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
Because these 'random thoughts' made me laugh, I will not hate the author based on this one comment.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Absolutely. Try writing printed answers to a law school essay exam over 3 bluebooks.
JP note: Here's 2 thoughts I grouped together:
1. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
2. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
I have no "snark" to add to these points, I just am nodding furiously in agreement!
Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
OK, lets explore "LOL" Its highly overused, that we can all agree on, right? Show of hands?
That said, if I'm actually laughing at what I typed or read - a slight chuckle will do, I think a "LOL" is merited. When communicating laughter to my parents, I "hahahaha" because I''m 99% sure they don't know what "LOL" means. Much less ROTFLMAO.
I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
See - THIS deserves a "LOL"!
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
Pop a xanax, watch a movie....
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
Yeah, that's true for the people that actually say "I'm street smart." They usually spell what 'wat', etc. Its criminal that these people breathe the same air as the rest of us.
That said, I was a lawyer for 2 1/2 years - lets assume you have to be "book smart" to pass the bar. I've met a lot of people with no higher education that could solve problems quicker than Mr or Mrs "book smart" attorney.
Does any of this make sense?
It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
There's a reason for this. The 30 second 'advertisement' before the video comes on is a much better revenue source for CNN (or whatever website) than posting an article. The only revenue from articles are banner ads, and they pay shit. The revenue disparity is not close, actually.
See, bet you didn't think you'd learn something here!
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
3
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
Gay sex involving surveylance equipment. (ewwwww)
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
Lets try a fake one. "Stephen Schrippa, 54, the Italian-American actor on the hit TV show The Sopranos known as Bobby Bacala, died yesterday of a heart attack, the result of climbing 1 flight of stairs. His morbid obesity, no doubt, contributed to this."
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
Or maybe Schrippa fake-died this way?
I'm going straight to hell.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
Not if you want to date me.
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
So I guess we're back to where we started - good ol' FB! This feels like the end of a Family Ties episode, where differences get resolved and everyone hugs.
Who wants a hug?
mmmm.....cannoli's.....
September 9, 2009
I'm about to eviscerate a huge portion of my client/party base. I'd bet that Donald Trump doesn't teach this technique in his overpriced "leadership seminars" I see pimped all over the City.
It has just reached the tipping point. I cannot take it anymore. Damn the consequences of some jackass that won't want to go to my parties or cruises anymore. Damn the hate mail I am bound to receive. Damn the fact that I will sound like an elitist lawyer from Connecticut who has had privileges that most people didn't enjoy growing up.
That last sentence, by the way, explains why I've been wanting to write this blog for a while. It is totally, clearly unfair that I was adopted by awesome parents when I was 3 weeks old, taught in a good school system, had great opportunities. Yes I worked hard - besides playing 3 sports, I had every crappy job growing up you can imagine - from delivering papers to washing dishes to bagging groceries at the Super Stop and Shop. Get that image of me wearing a "smock" & "Hi - I'm Johnny!" nametag out of your head!
But still - those circumstances don't compare to what I'm about to describe.
*** Deep breath ***
The average kid that comes through the New York City public school system is a complete, utter moron. He/she cannot spell. Cannot write complete sentences. Cannot formulate a thought. Has no clue how to develop skills to make themselves marketable in the workplace. Starts taking drugs VERY early.
(I sincerely apologize to those that made the best of attending NYC public schools and went on to a successful career. I am in awe of your ability to turn a lemon into lemonade. You probably still think I'm an asshole reading this - that's fair.)
But yeah - the typical NYC public student's plight is perhaps because of their environment, their lack of parenting or huge class sizes. There's also the dirty secret that New York City - Manhattan, specifically - "imports" the vast majority of their high priced talent. The bankers, the hedge fund managers, the models, the actors, the attorneys, the doctors...you get the point. They're NOT coming, by and large, from PS whatever. PS, your schools suck.
I admit I have only 2 qualifications to assert this, and they're very limited:
1. I've lived in New York for 15 years (7 in Westchester, 8 in Manhattan). I've owned a small business for 7 years where I've seen countless job applicants from born & bred public school New Yorkers vs those educated elsewhere.
If I showed you the resume/cover letter presentation by a "PS graduate" versus someone from, say, the midwest, the difference would blow your mind. Really
And the way these native New Yorkers communicate - whether they want a job or to go to a party - is just painful.
"Wat diz goin on tonnight? I wanna git on the guess list." (relax - I don't send these people to the same parties I send you to)
2. I've dated 2 NYC teachers - one from Manhattan, one Queens - and their days, lives, working conditions, etc. were so absolutely miserable. They made shit money, too. I've hired some teachers to work the door on the weekends for me - same horror stories. Every opportunity they got, they were applying to the Scarsdale Board of Education for an interview. Who could blame them?
You go into teaching with the idea of making a difference, and the odds are so stacked against you…and these kids….
Look, I'm not naive - I know this has been going on for a while. If you have Netflix, put Lean on Me (starring the great Morgan Freeman) on your list. It's just sad, and I think its getting worse.
OK, now that I've vented, lets get back into an area I'm comfortable with - ripping on "reality stars"! Yay!
* Audrina Partridge is leaving The Hills. In her words, she's "graduating."
To what? Another fucking reality show!
I swear, these people - with no apparent talent or skill - live in a completely alternative universe from the rest of us.
Random thought for the day - wouldn't it be great to put these reality people all on an island people....with no cameras? Except there really would be VERY hidden cameras. So we could see what they were really like?
Or we could just put them on that island - abandon them - and leave them there. I'm totally fine with that.
But I've got one better for ya.....
* I wrote a ball-busting comment on Facebook about a certain promoter who booked a party Saturday that promised a "Photo-Op Party with Brody Jenner."
I got more comments to that than any previous post - some hilarious, some so frightening in their hatred of Brody that I had a Facebook Monitor named Jake directing me to delete them from my page
(Hey, its taken a lot of work to build a page of 2,200 mostly-pseudo friends...when he threatened to shut my page down due to "obscene language," I was Jake's bitch).
And oh, by the way...
At this supposed "Photo-Op Party with Brody Jenner": Brody appeared for 1 hour, entered and exited through the side, and was in a VIP table for that hour that was roped off from everyone else. Except Brody and the posse he brought with him.
For this, that douchbag you see on your right made $5,000.
If you are at a cubicle reading it and banging the plaster-based wall with your head, I apologize to your cubicle-mate. Blame Johnny.
You wonder why people wait for hours (days?) in line to audition for some reality crap show. That's why!
* Last one, because there's only so much of this our collective digestive tracts can take. The title of this article is "Spencer Pratt to Change His Name to 'King Spencer Pratt'" Read at your own risk!
For those of you who don't know, Soleil Moon Frey was an absolute force on the mid-80's icon scene with the TV show Punky Brewster. If you watched TV in 1984 (or the "I Love the 80's" VH1 series), you'll understand.
We're the same age, and I absolutely had a crush on her when I was 10.
That's her on your right, all grown up in a glam shot. Still quite hot. The ironic part (well, maybe not for her) is that Soleil started out a petite thing on the show, but her breasts grew to like Quadruple-D's so she had to get them reduced.
Anyhow, I ran across this bizarre video, the 2nd one below. Apparantly, it was in celebration of Soleil having her millionth Twitter follower. I doubt that pays the bills, but good for her!
I've unilaterally determined that you need a little "Punky Power" in your life, so I'm sharing - as Punky, herself, would share!
First video will be the 1984 Punky Brewster intro, followed by the 2009 "bizarro" Punky.
If nothing else, it will make your head hurt less after learning Brody Jenner received $5K to drink vodka for an hour:
OK - here's the flashback:
Now, "Bizarro Punky," 25 years later....where did they find the clothes & set design?
October 6, 2009
You see that delicious-looking bottle to your right? It's a new product by Patron. Called "Coffee Liquor with a dash of Tequila," I was sold the minute I saw it. And true to expectations, it was yummy. Perhaps too much so!
See, I drank it as if it were Kahlua (15% alcohol), not reading the bottle to see that it is, in fact, 35% alcohol. For perspective, straight vodka is 40% alcohol. So needless to say, my head is pounding this morning, and a coherent blog is 100% out of the question.
That said, I am not without a subject to rant about. Said alcohol was consumed yesterday in a bar while watching NFL football - the much-overhyped Brett Favre vs the Packers game. Now, there are 5 types of people that cram in a sports bar for Monday Night Football:
1. Sports fans of a particular team. Unlike my college days in Massachusetts, where if you don't root for all things Boston you are treated as though you have a raging case of herpes, in New York its OK to root for any team because the majority of Manhattanites are not "from" here. Or at least it seems that way.
2. Fantasy football players - you know, the people that draft their own "team" and obsess over how many rushing yards & touchdowns LaDanian Tomlinson has. Have no problem with them, just not my thing.
3. Families that are there to eat and stumbled into a place where 80% of the people are wearing football jerseys and screaming at televisions. Always high comedy.
4. Girls there to scope out the guys, knowing its guaranteed to be a great ratio. Not an attractive bunch, generally.
5. Gamblers. Like me.
Now, there's an inherent snobbery by sports "fans" towards gamblers. Like we're bad people because we don't care about a team, per se. I DO care about a team, the UConn Huskies football & basketball programs. To perhaps an unhealthy degree.
But pro teams? Not so much.
Remember a Seinfeld joke from the early-90's - ie when Curb Your Enthusiasm's Larry David was still involved? The joke was that as a professional sports fan, you root for laundry. The player could care less who he plays for - secondary to his paycheck, his lifestyle, his job security....and changes teams with no concept or concern for how it affects the fans. Hey, I'm not judging - if I was a professional athlete, I might adopt the same mindset. Teams certainly don't care about players when they get hurt or can no longer perform.
Well you know what? Absolutely, spot-on analysis by LD. Part of why Curb is so successful is that he can see things like this that society chooses to ignore. If you are not a Curb fan and want to see one episode that epitomizes this, watch "Crazy Eyez Killa" from Season 2.
This episode of Seinfeld - seemingly an innocent thing - helped me get over a traumatic existance of my early adulthood: my very beloved Hartford Whalers moving to Carolina in 1997 and calling themlseves the "Hurricanes." Not only that, taking the best radio announcer in the history of professional sports, Chuck Kaiton (he is in the NHL Hall of Fame, deservedly so) with him. I would listen to Kaiton broadcast Whalers games that the team was too cheap to send videocameras to. Aside from my parents, I heard Chuck Kaiton's voice in my childhood more than any other.
Oh, yeah. There was also the nightmare of watching the Hurricanes win the Stanley Cup with a bunch of "fans" that would rather be watching NASCAR celebrating lamely. No, I'm not still bitter or anything!
I digress. The one point I'd like to make to anyone reading my column that looks down on people that throw some financial incentive on a game, rather than being a "true fan" - get over it!
2 completely unlrelated topics before I continue nursing this hangover:
* I - well, Premier List - was deemed Wikipedia worthy over the weekend. It will be up on the site in a week or so, but for your eyes only, learn more than you could possibly want to know about me.
* Finally, the NYS government is beginning to realize what a completely incompetent, inefficient, arbitrary agency the "Liquor Authority" is. Read this and you'll have an idea how frustrating my business can be at times. A definite must-read for anyone in the entertainnment, restaurant or nightlife business.
Hopefully this will result in some real reform. I'm not holding my breath.
January 16, 2010
Yeah, I know, its been a million years since my last blog. New Years Eve happened - thanks to all that supported Premier, and I promise you'll get my angry, nasty rantings that you've come to love (tolerate?) since I starting writing them in 2003. I'm actually going on a joint Cancun/Miami trip for 10 days starting Tuesday 1/19, so I'm sure I'll fire off a drunken blog or 2 after many margaritas.
In the meantime, here's the "holy shit" video of the year! Unless you live under a rock - and judging by the percentage of people that use the word "um" and "uh" over 10 times per sentence that call me, I believe that's about 20% of my database - you've heard about the Leno/Conan/NBC war - here's a refresher that captures this real-life reality show. Conan has 1 more week on TV to trash his bosses nightly on their own network - how deliciously awkward.
Anyhoo - 2 points:
* Neither Conan or Leno are funny. Their shows suck. I'm sorry, its true.
* Jimmy Kimmel, who IS funny, was by some God-forsaken reason invited to go on Leno's show last week and....well, he just eviscerated Leno. Please watch this - it is so clear who is fucking hillarious here, and who is the "everyman" comic that only Middle America morons could find humor in.
Press play - you'll be speechless:
February 8, 2010
I really DID write a blog when I was in Cancun - honest! I was, repeatedly, quite drunk off this beverage I learned of called the Bob Marley. Here's the recipe - its best served frozen, and when tipping the Mexican bartenders to make it stronger (ie with Bacardi 151). Bob Marley the Drink is quite yummy, and induced a wayyyy-too-honest-for-strangers blog.
See - that's the problem with blogs that you're not getting paid for (sidenote - if there's a sponsor out there, look up my web stats. The "Bud Light Premier Blog", lets say, would be a cheap way to hit that 18-35 demo! Just sayin' - email me if interested).
I always have million other things going on, and a website I update myself weekly with my latest events/parties/cruises, etc. Honestly it's hard to get motivated to write one unless either a) something in life really pisses you off, or b) you're drunk and bored. Much of what I've written the past 7 years are highly edited versions of (b).
Solution: join Twitter nation! I've actually been Tweeting about a year now, but I now have a Twitter feed on my homepage - check it out, I try to update it daily, and its soooo easy a Caveman can do it. You'll still be getting a blog or so a month, so all 3 of my fans should not fret!
Saturdays: Taj II Nightclub | The Imperial | D'Or at the Dream Hotel | Club Elevate (18+f) | Element | Pacha